so im really frustrated. im feeling so many different things right now im feelin angry hostile sad scared vulnerable and annoyed why do i always have to be the foreigner? the obruni? its been two months since im here and im finally in the hostile phase....no matter how long im here they will always call me obruni i will never fit in, i will never belong and its not even like i can just ignore it because they throw it in my face every day, shouting "obruni! obruni!" honking the taxis and staring at me like im some strange creature that landed on their planet.
i don't know what to fucking do with myself. im sick of feeling foreign. I want to feel at home. Ive already gotten accustomed to the culture for the most part, so what in the world am I going to do for the next 7 weeks?
i can do one of several things. i can maintain the relationships i have with the other students here (and the few Ghanaians who i dont want to SLAP right now)....and basically kill time. Time will surely pass and then ill hop my ass on that plane back. but is this really my style? no. i hate wasting time, waiting "things out," and generally feeling like a punk ass.
other option. dig deeper, and think about what REALLY is ticking me off about being here right now. WHY ARE THEY CALLING ME FOREIGNER???? why did i feel like on spring break in cape coast, there was so much HATE and jealously towards me and Faye??? I feel like I am sick of struggling to ignore the gawking, ridiculous overpriced items, and the haters. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO TO BE A PERSON AROUND HERE?? damn.
i think this is making me realize how uncomfortable things can get when i let my guard down. when i want to be taken seriously and not as a joke, when i just want to be a human instead of a token or a prize or a target or a joke. It's like the first two months...ha ha ha yea im a foreigner in your country, ha ha ha funny riteee? now....its time to MOVE ON. what is NEXT? is there a future for me here, can a foreigner truly stay here and feel happy and comfortable? Because I am just getting resentful.
There's one more option. Push past hostility and resentment and channel my feelings into building new relationships and using my last weeks to figure out what more I can get from being here. I know there's more....I just have to figure out if I want to spend the energy trying to get to it.
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welcome to my life. everyone's tolerance level is different here. which is really interesting. i have been at this point for a really long time. personally, i've learned to kind of introvert and cling to the people here that make me happy. i don't know what it is about ghana. i know people went to togo and other countries and didn't feel like this at all. this is a tourist heavy country. lots of obrunis come here from all over the world. why aren't ghanaians more used to seeing foreigners? do they know how uncomfortable they make us by treating us like this EVERYDAY? i really don't know, but i want to create more dialogue within the program about it. some people are having a really hard time with it and some people could care less. they love ghana and would extend their stay here if they could. me, not so much. this is getting long winded. the point i was trying to make was supposed to be somewhat supportive and in agreement with your sentiments. they erkin' on my nerves too. keep your head up.
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