i try not to let school get in the way of my education.

Will I be coming Back to Africa?

In a spiritual sense?

In a physical sense?

Why did I come Back?

I came because my body, mind, and spirit did not like what it was interacting with
in the United States. It needed peace. It needed comfort. Most importantly,
it needed to experience another reality, in order to assess if its previous lifestyle was the healthiest choice.

So much about the American lifestyle is sick. At least I know what makes me sick,
what dampens my spirit and traps my mind.

Materialism. This is different from comfort. There is nothing wrong with having what you need and maybe a little bit more sometimes. Having the things that make you happy. But when you begin to be defined by them, accumulate status by them, that is the problem. If I happen to have "things" that other people could see as "valuable," I want to count them as additional blessings to an internal wealth of health, love, and freedom.

Prejudice. A disconnect from Humanity. I needed to live in an all-Black country and see Black people running things, living ordinary lives. To deepen my ever-so-dwindling faith in humanity, curtailed by the prejudice I've experienced in the US. Of course, Ghana is shadowed by the US and all things West, and I never think I
will be able to or even want to escape Western influence. At the end of the day,
I lived in a Black country, on a Black continent.

Misinterpretation. I came into this world confident in my definition and place. I was educated by society to hate myself or not even exist. As a Black American, you will be isolated, insulted, or ignored entirely. This is the fate of the Diaspora in a racist society. Of course this had an effect on my self-definition. It has
been bounced here and there, ripped and turned and spun around so many times, so
that I could easily lose my way. So the time and connection to my ancestry here
has been key in my process of SELF-definition.

With all of the mixing and interlapping of humans in the modern day and age, it is a mistake to forget and lose the unique integrity, spirit, and tradition of a line of people. One's humanity is preserved through culture, as culture is an articulation
of the spirit of a people. We must not forget where we come from.

WOW

Two girls just left. Emma and Leigh. They got into that van with their bags and LEFT. This is WEIRD. I'm going back. In a week and a half. Where am I going back to? What am I going back to? I am in a state of limbo...Nothing makes sense right now. Home as a definition was already screwed up after I left Silver Spring for DC for Rockville for New York....now add Ghana and growing up to that. Who am I now? Where am I supposed to be? Where do I fit in in this crazy world of ours?

Growing up is TRIPPY. I feel like I can trace different parts of myself through time, space, and friends. All have shaped me, and yet I am just me at the end of the day. I am finding the Crystal that makes me happy, and that's what matters. But the process is a trip. If anything, I've learned that I am a global citizen, a member of the Diaspora, and a resident of the United States. I am a Black American, a half caste, an obruni, a Diasporan, a high yella chick, all of these things. No matter what others call me, they all are a way to name me, Crystal. At the end of the day, the only name that counts is Crystal. I love that name.

My mind is about to be blown in the next two weeks. I will have to keep blogging just o process the differences of being back in the States. It really feels like another world. As I told Emma, I feel like going back is like jumping in in double dutch, just jumping into the middle of all this rhythm and chaos and life that is moving fast whether you like it or not. Except I suck at double dutch and never really learned. So does that mean I'mma fail at this readjusting thing? I HAVE NO oOPTION BUT TO FIND OUT. ONLY 10 DAYS.

WHAT.THE.FUCK.

You dun make me fall in love........Ghana, I'm in love with you.

Katie Is Awesome Playlist:

No One Like You P-square
Could You Be Loved Bob Marley
Three Little Birds Bob Marley
Nwa Baby Flavour
Right Now Na Na Na Akon
Make Me Fall in Love D'banj
Angelina Praye


p.s. i can NOT listen to any ghanaian music for awhile when I'm back because I will CRY.

Kpanlogo!!

We are wrapping up the semester....exams, final performances, parties. Two weeks left. Can't believe it!!!

"Je bo je bwa nye me
Je bo see na mo mo
Kpangolo o daaa kpangolo!!"

It means "give it here, it wasn't me, give it here"

Love what I've learned this semester..whether it was from the professors is another story, but I've definitely grown.

on a lighter note....

Life from the past two months. Enjoy.

It all started with Reparations....

Really, though? We had the most ridiculous Pan-Africanism class today. The guest lecturer, a repatriot originally from Arizona, was as old school racist as they get....literally divided us into questioning by the blacks and "oh you people-the white people" and asked about hometowns for the few ambiguous ones. He wanted to know the thoughts of "our" generation, and so instead of teaching like he was paid to do, asked us about what we think about reparations for slavery, materialism, "black issues" like jail and police brutality, and if the Blacks in the room had decided to stay and live in Africa for good. Basically a whole bunch of assumptions rolled up in one. When we replied that our generation doesn't see things so clearly in "black and white" and that there are economic and infrastructure issues that underlie every major "racial" problem, he was honestly suprised. Clearly, there is racism, duh. But you are telling me as a 50-something year old man, your brain is still divided in half, black and white? This was some of the, to quote Tanesha, cooninish shit I've heard in a while. Then after a half hour break he came to the conlusion that, "we are young and don't know the heat of money...and that economics will be the true test of our 'grassroots' efforts." He then badmouthed Barack Obama, saying he's appointed IMF devils into his cabinet, and then asked "you white people" to explain the difference between Ghanaians and American Blacks. And to TOP IT ALL OFF, his friend in the corner turned to Josh and said, "You are Chinese American, no?" Josh said, "No." He then guessed the gamut of Asia before Josh said he was half Korean. To which the friend replied, "Oh, that makes things even more complicated"....

What I've taken away from today's class is that there is so much more to diversity and "issues" than race. There is diversity of thought, socioeconomics, region, religion, gender, sexuality, and AGE. Never before have I seen the generational divide so clear. I am sick of the older generation's conspiracy theories and hardened, bitter attitudes. I understand that they have the life experience to back up their judgements, but today is a new day. And we as a youth have to be the change we want to see in the world, because some of the older people frankly are too jaded.

no quick fix

so im really frustrated. im feeling so many different things right now im feelin angry hostile sad scared vulnerable and annoyed why do i always have to be the foreigner? the obruni? its been two months since im here and im finally in the hostile phase....no matter how long im here they will always call me obruni i will never fit in, i will never belong and its not even like i can just ignore it because they throw it in my face every day, shouting "obruni! obruni!" honking the taxis and staring at me like im some strange creature that landed on their planet.

i don't know what to fucking do with myself. im sick of feeling foreign. I want to feel at home. Ive already gotten accustomed to the culture for the most part, so what in the world am I going to do for the next 7 weeks?

i can do one of several things. i can maintain the relationships i have with the other students here (and the few Ghanaians who i dont want to SLAP right now)....and basically kill time. Time will surely pass and then ill hop my ass on that plane back. but is this really my style? no. i hate wasting time, waiting "things out," and generally feeling like a punk ass.

other option. dig deeper, and think about what REALLY is ticking me off about being here right now. WHY ARE THEY CALLING ME FOREIGNER???? why did i feel like on spring break in cape coast, there was so much HATE and jealously towards me and Faye??? I feel like I am sick of struggling to ignore the gawking, ridiculous overpriced items, and the haters. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO DO TO BE A PERSON AROUND HERE?? damn.

i think this is making me realize how uncomfortable things can get when i let my guard down. when i want to be taken seriously and not as a joke, when i just want to be a human instead of a token or a prize or a target or a joke. It's like the first two months...ha ha ha yea im a foreigner in your country, ha ha ha funny riteee? now....its time to MOVE ON. what is NEXT? is there a future for me here, can a foreigner truly stay here and feel happy and comfortable? Because I am just getting resentful.

There's one more option. Push past hostility and resentment and channel my feelings into building new relationships and using my last weeks to figure out what more I can get from being here. I know there's more....I just have to figure out if I want to spend the energy trying to get to it.

kumasi